Humour
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New Windows

Humour is the best medicine. Check out my collection of favourites :

bulletDesign for a new Windows interface
bulletPhilosophy from George Carlin
bulletInfo Dissemination/Communications
bulletBetter than any plastic surgery
bulletMillenia Year Application Software
bulletDoctor's Notes

Philosophy from George Carlin

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and

apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad

girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help

section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going

as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is

no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it

considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered

plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will

clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to

remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?

29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

30. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

33. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

39. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

40. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane

crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

42. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become

disoriented?

INFO DISSEMINATION/COMMUNICATIONS :

Memo from General Manager to Manager:

Today at 11.00 there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.

Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This does not happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this does not happen every day.

BETTER THAN ANY PLASTIC SURGERY

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"

The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

MILLENIA YEAR APPLICATION SOFTWARE SYSTEM

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be
Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application
Software System" (MYASS)
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We
will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have
an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking
aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This
restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun
using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office
and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of
the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my
secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS
before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that
it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the
virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection
will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all
information associated with the business. As you begin using the program,
feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an
employee and say, "here, > stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we
need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it
out of MYASS."
Sincerely,
Sandra Smith
Sr Office Asst for Special Sizes
972-431-53

DOCTORS NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES--UNEDITED!)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states

she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


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